""There is no moment of safety in Iraq. Thats one of the things we are seeing in people when they come back-a feeling of an absolute lack of safety wherever the are."



Stories of vets who sleep with guns and knives and patrol the perimeters of their homes obsessively are as common as tales of war.



U.S News & World Report October 9, 2006



Its an old copy of the magazine already two years old. I dont realize that when it catches my eye and I pick it up to read it. Its been a long night at work and as I sit alone in the dingy breakroom I rest my feet as the whirlwind of activity flies just beyond the door. In a few minutes Ill be glad there is no one else with me.

I halfheartedly read the article, distant memories flicker by in my head, dimly glow then fade, quickly being crowded out by thoughts of my work. I turn one page then another. Annoyed I almost put it down.

Then I see it. Just one sentence. By surprise and completely without warning I am overtaken with emotion. My throat tightens and tears come to me eyes. The room begins spin. Embarrassed I quickly look around to make sure nobody sees. I am still alone. Shifting in my seat I become angry having been betrayed by my manhood.

And then the other anger comes. Ah yes the anger, my constant companion, insidiously eroding me from the inside.

I am not sure what to do. Call a friend, my wife perhaps. Its about three in the morning, far too late for that. The VA maybe, but what would I say? How could they understand? None of them do.

There is the guy at work out on the floor right now who served in the Ranger regiment, But we dont talk much.

It occurs me.

Iraq was very real and still right under the surface no matter how long Ive been home.


And I am very alone...."
Chapter: War