Everyone P-P-Panic! The Joker al-Qaida is Sewing Bombs Into People!

DC and media types are often accused of stoking fear about terror plans that sound more like movie plots, from anthrax-filled cropdusters to one-man cyber armies. This time, they’ve just decided to bite from Hollywood directly, and spread the word about a nefarious terrorist scheme already seen in The Dark Knight.

That’s right: Al-Qaida wants to surgically implant bombs into people. Or so the government claims.

Not that there’s an imminent threat, says the Department of Homeland Security. Or a surgery bomb plot that’s been foiled at the last stitch. No, this was just an “aspirational” terror plan – one that the government is now ever-so-conveniently leaking.

The Transportation Security Administration has begun warning airlines that terrorists might sow bombs into themselves. Advantage: the porno scanners at select airports couldn’t detect a bomb lodged in someone’s gut or chest. Disadvantage: ow.

Supposedly, this fantastical story is based on “new intelligence,” Reuters reports. And we’ve been told by people in position to see such information — who wouldn’t talk on the record — that this is more than just a page from the last Batman script. But.


There are a few reports that al-Qaida tried this before. Well, kinda sorta. The terror crew allegedly ”surgically implanted powerful explosives and detonators” in two dogs. (The bastards.) The idea was to kennel the dogs on a Baghdad flight bound for the United States. But the dogs died on board, leaving the air crew to discover their body’s lethal cargo. That is, if you believe Le Figaro and the New York Post.

Before that, of course, al-Qaida affiliates tried to turn tighty whiteys into a weapon, and shove a bomb in a wannabe martyr’s bum. Neither of those plots really worked out, either.

There was a time when al-Qaida actually needed to blow something up in order to scare us into overreaction. After a while, we got so nervous that a failed plot would send our leaders lunging for daddy’s junk and granny’s shoes. Now, the botched plans don’t even have to involve people. A couple of dead dogs and a few whispered rumors may be all it takes for a new round of panic.

Or perhaps, just this once, our so-called defenders could stop acting like pussies and imbeciles. Perhaps they could cool it with the mega-expensive, mega-invasive, brain dead, one-size-fits all searches for terror weapons — as if each weapon will be the last. Perhaps they could pour more money into spotting actual terrorists.

But don’t count on it. Already, airport security companies cackling at the chance to develop new detection tech for surgically implanted bombs. An Indiana company claims to have developed an imagery machine that can find “explosive materials, narcotics, and low-density plastics hidden inside or outside of the human body,” according to its CEO, by analyzing X-rays scattered or refracted from the body’s soft tissue.

See how this works, everyone?

A TSA spokesman is already warning passengers about the expanded groping and picture-taking they can now expect during the vacation travel season. “These measures are designed to be unpredictable, so passengers should not expect to see the same activity at every international airport,” mouthpiece Nicholas Kimball said.

So: a disruptive, potentially expensive panic based on a wild aspirational scheme? Actually, that sounds a lot like al-Qaida. And the TSA.

Update: Thanks to our friends at Public Intelligence, we learn that last year, Homeland Security issued an alert about women suicide bombers that breathlessly warned al-Qaida was “considering using breast implants as a means to conceal explosives.” Not that that could ever be an excuse to grope women at the airport or anything.
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